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My Husband the Sleeptalker

September 11, 2009

Smiling Baby

“Good morning, sweetie”, my husband mumbles as he leans over and kisses my forehead.

I’ve just reached over and turned off the alarm – it’s playing Bon Jovi’s “I’ll Be There for You”, which I love, but isn’t exactly a soothing song to wake up to.

I hate to wake in a panic; music  playing too loud, someone knocking on my door, a loud crack of thunder – all these things cause me to wake with my heart pounding. It is the most unsettling feeling, and Hubby knows how much I loathe it.

I groan and turn to glare in as dramatic a manner as I can muster with my puffy, sleepy eyes, “Don’t you suck up to me now Mr!”

“What’dIdo?” He pouts. He’s good at pouting, and actually pretty adorable when he does, but that isn’t going to work this time.

“Don’t you remember last night? When you woke me up yelling at me?”

A momentary look of confusion flashes across his face and is then quickly replaced by recognition, and to my chagrin, a hint of amusement.

A bit of context:

Hubby talks in his sleep. He has always talked in his sleep, and occasionally he also sleep walks. It happens almost every night. It wouldn’t be so bad if he just muttered a few incoherent words each time, like the time he said, with a dreamy look on his face, “sugar toes”, and then fell into a contented sleep (I’ve never let him live that down). But, no, most times he sits up (which wakes me up), turns and stares at me (a little creepy), and then says something which makes no sense. And then, THEN he has the NERVE to be annoyed with me for not understanding.

Yes, he can actually tell, in his sleep, that I don’t understand him. He will also often respond to my confused, “What?”, by either repeat the same thing, or adding something else – which makes even less sense.

But, last night I didn’t wake up when he sat up. Evidently, this bothered Mr. Sleepy as he shook me awake yelling that I had to turn on the lamp because of “the TEXT on his WEBSITE. Don’t you know? THE TEXT! Just turn on the light! It’s NOT THAT HARD!”

He was actually mad at me for not turning on the light. Mind you, this is 2:00 am. Did I mention I don’t like being woken up in a panic. I was a bit annoyed, which did not help the situation.

“What the hell are you talking about? Go to sleep!” I spit back.

“Just turn it ON!” he yells.

Clearly this is going nowhere. I try to remind myself that he is asleep, technically. I reach over, turn on the lamp, and look back at Hubby.

He is now hanging with his head over the side of the bed, looking underneath it.

“What are you doing?” I demand.

“I thought there was a baby under there. There’s not. Turn the light off!”

Half an hour later I finally get back to sleep. Did I mention he sometimes remembers bits and pieces of his sleep-talking?

That boy is in trouble today.

How should I punish him? I was thinking I might start saying I want to have a baby. Now. Screw that whole getting careers on track and moving out of his parents place. He started the whole baby talk, didn’t he? We can just keep it under the bed.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Steph permalink
    September 24, 2009 6:37 pm

    hahahahahahahaha THAT just made my day! Thank you! xox

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